INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL XXXfunny or notXXXstar if funnyXXX?

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.





2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.





3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.





4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.





5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.





6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.





7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.





8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.





9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.





10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.





11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.





12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.





13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.





14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL XXXfunny or notXXXstar if funnyXXX?
Absolutely great!!! :D :D :D



Also, read this one:



How To Give Your Cat A Bath

A five step guide to washing one of our furry little friends, without risking life, neither yours nor the lives of anyone who happens to be stupid enough to volunteer to help you with such a monstrous task.



You will need



-A cat

-A good friend (one who will sacrifice his/her life for you)

-200 meters of band aids

-Patience, and the mentality of a kamikaze pilot

-Immediate access to a good doctor/plastic surgeon/psychiatrist

-Five or six SWAT team cops (or Nave SEALS if you prefer

-A strong death wish





Getting Started

First here are a couple of things you should know about cats



-Cats hate water about as much as you hate getting your face torn to shreds by Frantic cat claws

-Cats do not care whether you survive or not. They have little or no respect for human life in general. A cat will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear your eyeballs out, or remove all the skin from your body.

-Although you have the advantage of size, the little bugger WILL use any dirty tricks he can think of, so should you.

-Do not expect to outsmart your little feline friend. It is a well-known fact that any cat is smarter than any person who is dumb enough to try to bathe one.



OK, now you should be somewhat prepared for the task that lies ahead, although, you should be aware that no man can ever really be prepared for the ultimate test of manhood, cat bathing.



Step One



Take your cat under your arm, nonchalantly, like it was just to pat him a little. Make sure that the cat has no idea of your foul intentions. If there is a soft purring sound, you are safe. If the cat just stares at you with a suspicious look......DROP IT AND RUN!



Step Two



Wait a couple of hours, until the animal is sound asleep, and go in for a surprise attack. Sit down next to him and start talking to him, patting him carefully on the tummy (NOTE: some cats do not like to be touched on that particular spot. You should know if your cat is one of them. Check your hands/face/arms/shoulders/legs/back/groi... for scars to make sure). Keep this up until the cat has started purring. Put your soul into it, or else the cat will know that foul play is involved. Remember the cat has nine lives to spend while you have only one. If you have to spend the next two days assuring your wife that you love her just as much as the cat, you know you did a good job.



Step Three



Redecorate the bath to make it look like a kitty heaven. Cats have an instinct, even a cat that has never seen the inside of a bath will know what is going on the minute you take him into a bathroom. This is known as "predestinate water syndrome" and has also been observed in young human specimens. Take the cat in your hands, and start running for the bathroom. You should hire professionals (this is where the SWAT team or Nave SEALS come in) to open/close the doors for you, or else you will fail miserably. Try opening a door with a rabid kitty in your hands, and you'll see what I mean.



Step Four



-Try to throw cat into the tub

-Remove cat from scalp

-Consider getting a new cat

-Push cat into tub

-Go see a doctor to stop bleeding on hands and face

-Consider getting a new cat

-Put duct tape on cats claws

-Get friend to hold cat while pouring water on him

-Remove duct tape from inner ear, and remove cat from friends reproductive organs

-Consider getting a new cat

-Tie cats legs together with dental floss, get friend to help holding the cat down while soaping him up

-Remove dental floss from anal opening, remove slippery cat from friends face -Consider getting a new cat

-Get four Navy SEALS to help hold cats paws while you try to dry him with a towel

-Pay for Navy SEALS bills from the plastic surgeon

-Consider getting a new cat

-Open bathroom door and let cat go lick himself dry

-Go see a psychiatrist (go ahead you've earned it)

-Consider getting a dog



Step Five



Nobody has managed to complete step four, but if you do, call Guinness Book of Records



Congratulations! Your cat is now clean, although you now look like something one would normally cook for dinner
Reply:haha funny oldie goldie....miew
Reply:lol
Reply:good one
Reply:like it .lol
Reply:haha!!



sounds like my cat!!



starred!!
Reply:lol rofl lmao
Reply:I've been there, dear Luck Dragon...hee hee. :)



I love the NeverEnding Story. :)



Happy holidays to you!
Reply:You know our family pet so well!!



Cheers and thanks for the laughs!!



10/10 and you get your star!! *
Reply:You have described the antics of a cat to purrfection! :) But I still love them...



Edit: Vets are aware of the cat-pill problem and are in the process of introducing it in the same way as frontline, my vet said he had tried everything and when he saw this available was well pleased...
Reply:SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FUNNNNYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Star!!!!!
Reply:Funny ,but true. 10/10.
Reply:very observant it really made us laugh thanks it was brill

:-)
Reply:fantastic * you made me laugh
Reply:lol funny i no how it is like trying to give an animal a pill xx
Reply:all true cheers for the giggle 10/10 :-)
Reply:I don't have a cat, but I know how aggravating they can be. Star 4 U
Reply:Cool~i love it.
Reply:you are definately a proud owner of at least one cat! i have been there so many times! my cats have got a new trick that makes u think they have swallowed the pill and then they spit it out when u turn away (this can be up to 10 mins later)!
Reply:Been there, done that.
Reply:excellent! hahahaha
Reply:hahaha....10/10...star
Reply:we have all been there if we all peed ourselves laughing ,cheers ,merry christmas.
Reply:Oldie but goody!!
Reply:Been there! Funniest thing we've seen for a long time!

We thought it was just us that went through this.

We've still got the scars and the pills to prove it!!!!!
Reply:lol* because its funny- dont give me a thumbs up i dont like bribes
Reply:excellent you deserve a star for that lol
Reply:Haha. Ok, I hated the way you typed your question. But wherever you got that cat thing... It's hilarious. Definitely starring it. ^.^
Reply:lol star
Reply:Wow that is very good. I enjoyed reading that. Star for you. lol
Reply:very nice i like.